September 24, 2014
BREAKING NEWS! The Principal of Wzw High has confirmed that Professor Preztige was in his lab working on the vaccine for a strange new disease all night, and can’t have kidnapped GoodoldWooz. Who committed the crime? Help us solve this Pretty Little Mystery!
Professor Preztige is probably the most famous teacher at Woozworld High, and with good reason. His many experiments, funded by Woozworld High, have produced chemical wonders and won prestigious awards. Recently, he’s been investigating a strange disease that rots skin while increasing facial hair growth This eminent scholar was kind enough to spare some time for a meeting our reporter, LilyWooz, in his own school lab.
LilyWooz: Hello, Mr. Preztige. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me to discuss the mysterious eventz of GoodOldWooz’s disappearance.
Professor Preztige: Excuse me, Liliana, but I would prefer you call me ‘Professor’ and not lump me in with these other ‘teachers.’ I’m the most educated professor at this institute, if I do say so myself.
LW: Uh, it’s ‘Lily,’ but I’m very sorry for the mistake. And yes, you do have an impressive body of work. Was GoodOldWooz also doing research at Woozworld High?
PP: GoodOldWooz was working on a time-travel device that I found…intriguing. But of course, it would never have worked. I’m the only one who deserves research funding at this school, not that old kook. But it’s quite a shame that he has gone missing. He was the only teacher at this school that I somewhat respected.
LW: Could you tell our readers what you know about the mysterious eventz?
PP: As far as I am aware, GoodOld was working on his foolish time-travelling scheme the night that he disappeared. Beside that fact, I for once know very little. If you want to know more, I’d suggest to speak with that historian woman, Ms. Bigfoot or whatever her name is. The principal told me in the strictest confidence that she has caused problems at all of her previous schools.
LW: Oh, was that the meeting that happened last week? When the principal warned you he might switch some of your chemistry funds to GoodOldWooz’s lab?
PP: I don’t know you heard such a vile lie! Don’t go snooping around in things that are no concern of yours, my dear Liliana. Now, if you’ll excuse me, this interview has been rather an imposition. My time is very valuable, you know. I have a lot of work to accomplish to continue funding my most promising experiments. Good day.