September 22, 2014
Of all the teachers at Woozworld High, Mr. Shopz probably spends the most time on campus, arriving at 6am for his morning workout, and staying long into the evening to coach his beloved basketball team. All that exercise and no sleep makes Mr. Shopz rather short-tempered, but he’s devoted to his students – and his body. Our intrepid reporter LilyWooz caught up with Mr. Shopz while his class was running laps.
LilyWooz: Hello, Mr. Shopz. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me to discuss the mysterious eventz of GoodOldWooz’s disappearance.
Mr. Shopz: Nice to meet you, Wooz, and welcome to the gunshow.
LW: Um, yeah, nice, uh, biceps?
MS: Nice? All you have to say is NICE?! They’re perfect. Can you even lift? You better watch out or I’ll send you out to the field too. Speaking of which – Ashley! You’re not strolling around the mall, here! Let’s see some movement!
LW: Um, well, maybe you can give me your lifting tips after you tell our readers what you know about that night at Woozworld High?
MS: Well, anyone who follows sports would know that Woozworld High is in the Nationz basketball playoffs, and I was coaching our team that night. Those Woozens sure can play! I’m so proud. I only left the gym to refill my water bottle from the fountain in the hallway, but I did hear Lady Wooz making a lot of commotion in that workroom of hers.
LW: Congratulations on the team’s success. Your point about Lady Wooz is intriguing, I’d like to continue with that. Do you have any reason to suspect her of wanting to harm GoodOldWooz?
MS: What? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over my protein-shake blender. Gotta get prepped for my 2nd daily workout this afternoon, you know. Hey, Bobby, you better start picking those feet up!
LW: How much did you interact with GoodOldWooz?
MS: Oh, not much. I mean, he was in pretty good shape for an old guy, but he certainly didn’t come around the gym much. Except for the annual end-of-year staff dodgeball game, of course. You know how it goes: Dodge. Duck. Dip. Dive. Dodge. The students love it.
LW: Oh, I heard about that game! Didn’t GoodOldWooz knock you out?
MS: Yeah, that dodgeball incident was pretty funny… NOT. I was distracted by Mrs. Neon when he got me – that lunch lady’s got a pretty good arm on her, yano. And he didn’t knock me out! I mean, uh, well I did sort of fall, but, anyway, it wasn’t that big of a deal! And now my students won’t stop talking about it.
LW: Hmm. So the dodgeball incident was rather upsetting for you?
MS: What are you trying to say there, Wooz? Drop and gimme 20, NOW!
LW: Umm…how…do…you do…a pushup? I guess you’re right about my exercise routine! But do you have any ideas what might have happened to GoodOldWooz?
MS: Look, why don’t you quit asking boneheaded questions and start running some laps like I told you to? SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS! SPORTS!