WoozNewz
Interim Santa: SantaX1
  • November 24, 2014

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santa1Created from salvaged parts in Corotza and Colony V in the year 3015, this impressive artificial intelligence brings a futuristic spin to Woozmas. SantaX1 was originally built to destroy unwanted furniture items, but the robot soon learned that there are less fortunate Woozens that might be able to put such items to good use. While SantaX1 was learning the emotion “love,” the emotion “anger” was also growing. Growing weary of Woozens complaining about their recycled gifts, SantaX1 has become very strict on the definitions of “naughty” and “nice.”


What is your idea of a perfect Woozmas?
Technology. It is proven that artificial intelligence can compute and execute actions 1 tribillion times faster than a Woozen. H0 H0 H0, that is what you Woozens call a “joke.” But really, in 3015 technology governs every aspect of Woozmas. The tree is a hologram that cannot be destroyed by Babiz. The plasma fireplaces give off heat and scent but cannot burn down your Unitz. At dinner, a food condenser turns your Woozmas meal into pill tablets – don’t worry, you can still taste everything. It’s what you Woozens call, magical. That is a perfect Woozmas.

How do you deliver presents?
Teleportation. I move 50x faster than the speed of Woozen sound. H0 H0 H0. I am faster than Rudolf and those other reindeer. I beat them at their reindeer games too.

Why should Woozens choose you?
The future is now. It cannot be prevented. I bring you a form of Woozwas that your Woozen brains can process. Woozmas should not be about expensive or cheaply-made products that break the first time you use them. Woozmas should be about caring and being thankful with your family, not partying irresponsibly on a beach. H0 H0 H0.

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